By Hakim Hazik
‘Verily, we are for God and to Him we must return.’
Your Majesty the Malik of the Holy Peninsula, the Servitor of the Holy Harems and the peerless conqueror of the Satanic Kingdom of Bahrain, please accept my heartfelt condolences at the sad passing away of the Crown Prince. Please also convey my deepest sympathies to the 23 brothers, whether Sudairi or non Sudairi, the 46 half brothers and 69 quarter brothers of the dear departed soul.
Prince Sultan has gone to the everlasting abode. When he lived, he brought inspiration and hope into the hearts of the orphans, the widows, and the British Aerospace.
Such was his love for the Ummah that he employed countless Pakistani brothers as toilet cleaners, as long as they renounced the revolting and insolent notions of equality and human rights. He was a true friend of Pakistan. He gave us money to spend on Stinger missiles and Ojhri Camp. He gave us petrol, called gas in USA, regardless of the current account deficit and he gave us advanced nut cases who brought us blessings of armed jihad in the path of One True God and advanced carnage from Kabul to Karachi.
He was, as you are, Your Majesty, an inspiration for General Mustache ul Haq, RA, the Father of the Nation and of Pakistan Studies and an unrivaled Defender of the Faith. He inspired men of God such as Dr Israr and General Abdul Rehman and filled their hearts to the brim, with faith and with murder, as he filled their bank accounts with crisp, freshly laundered, untraceable dollars.
It is my vision Your Majesty, that as soon as the Vilayat of Hindukush is brought to heel, and the residents with dubious faith and loyalties are either put to sword, or submit to the will of God and Sheikh Mohammad bin Abdul Wahab, I will build a motorway to Samarkand via Bukhara and a Pipeline to Raiwind via Mazar e Sharif. We will export shiny, polished, sharp edged swords with highly trained executioners to Turkmenistan to behead the enemies of God, such as Bangladeshi immigrant labourers.
With Saudi money, American weapons, suicidal youths, and the fauji IQ, Pakistan will prevail and lead the Ummah. We will have a friendly government in Kabul, the Dhimmis in Orakzai will pay Jizya and the infidels in New Delhi will pay tribute. Parents in Waziristan will pay boy tribute, a practice sanctified by the Ottomans and Taliban brothers. I would appeal to them again, not to attack us, because as the Chief Minister has said, we stand for the same things.
General Pasha will fly on a magical carpet form the banks of Nile to the land of Kashghar where dancing damsels will enter into his harem as permitted by Sharia and without reference to the family law ordinance, (1961).
Usury will be abolished and the IMF will give us a halal and wholesome, profit and loss sharing, structural adjustment loan so that we can increase the numbers of our nuclear weapons to 240 and vapourise a proper mountain, such as K 2.
Your brother in Islam,
Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif